I've been trying to gather up some nerves to write, and it isn't so easy, it makes you exposed raw to people you never knew even existed, but I do it for my sake more than anything else.
Thinking about my past today, it has shaped me to be who I am today, and it isn't always pretty and self acceptance is something I need to work on. I was thinking back to when I was still young, when I was 15. First loves. Why are they looked down upon, why are we told it's not real just because we are young? It is so real to love with no fear at all.
It makes me think of how relationships end, I was 15 and I was heart broken. What if rejection in my past has led me to feel unsettling feelings about who I am today? Did it make me feel worthless? How can we still be effected by things we barely even remember today? Every insecurity stems up from this, regardless of what we have accomplished, regardless of who we are today, or how far we've come. Feelings inside us we didn't realize were there.
But does this change my worth? It can't.
Does this change the way people see me? It couldn't.
So why did it happen to me? and should there be a cosmic lesson to learn, like this big clear universal lesson? What does it all mean?
Is there a reason for my pain? Past, present and future.
Is there something I must discover to try to make sense of the mess this rejection has created in parts deep within?
The universe didn't plan this past relationship to last, and for good reasons. Reasons for my future joy. The universe doesn't want me there.
It's NOT up to me to decide what is best for me, and I don't say this to show weakness, or ill wisdom on my part, but in reality; what DO I KNOW?
It doesn't make my decisions any less important. It is humbling; it is humbling to know that I don't know everything but I'm so glad, I don't need to know everything.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
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